And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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