New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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