btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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