All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
