The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
