Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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