She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
