is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
