At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
