Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
