Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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