my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
