Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
