Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
