my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
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