is your mom at the bar?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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