sarcasm needs its own font
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
