i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
