FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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