He disabled his match.com account in front of me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
