last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
