Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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