I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
