I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
