I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
