You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
