I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
