Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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