Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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