I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
