He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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