Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My vagina is officially offended.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
