You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
