so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
