We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
