So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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