peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
