the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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