I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
