Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
