I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
