Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
