she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
