when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it glows. i had to have it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
