Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
