my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
