Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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