shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
