I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
