Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
