The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
